Only Always
Read time: 2.5 minutes
This one’s fresh, folks.
Like, it happened today.
And I HAD to write about it.
So… first, some context: It was my 5th session in this Document Creation Process that I’m currently in, and something clicked—something opened.
The words I heard from my coach weren’t new.
In fact, I had already thought them myself.
But hearing them out loud, reflected back to me… it landed.
It pierced through the excuses I’d been dressing up as reasons.
What came up for me today was this simple truth:
I had been showing up with less than all of me.
Not because I’m lazy. Not because I don’t care. But because, somewhere in my mind, I thought it was okay to not give my all.
I thought, “This doesn’t directly serve others, so maybe it can wait.”
That’s when it hit me.
If I say I’m someone who is always committed—
If I claim I am “Gorgeous Enthusiasm”—
Then I don’t get to pick and choose when I bring that.
It’s not a mood. It’s not a weather report.
It’s a BEING. And BEING implies choice.
I can’t say “I am the light” and only shine when the room is bright.
Just like… I can’t say “I am Love” and only offer it when it’s easy.
That’s not integrity. That’s conditional identity.
So today, I saw myself clearly.
Not in shame. Not in judgment. But with honesty.
I had been out of alignment—not because someone “made” me slack, but because I gave myself the permission to slack.
I outsourced my commitment to someone else’s effort.
I made my showing up about them.
And I forgot—it’s always about ME.
That’s the part that stings, but also the part that liberates.
Because if I forgot, then by default, I can also remember.
And I did.
Today, I remembered that this work isn’t about waiting for someone to believe in me before I believe in me.
It’s not about the reminders, the energy in the room, the perfect coaching session.
It’s about showing up no matter what.
It’s about practicing my declarations when they don’t feel easy.
When no one’s watching.
When I don’t feel seen.
When the momentum isn’t there.
When the other doesn’t follow up.
When I don’t get a gold star.
Because if I am who I say I am—
Then I am that.
Only. Always.
Period.
And something else shifted today too.
For the first time in a long time, I didn’t hear feedback as an attack.
I didn’t make it mean I’m not good enough. I didn’t feel defensive.
Because I knew it was true.
Not from shame.
But from clarity. From alignment.
It didn’t hurt because it didn’t have to. It landed because my soul already knew it. It was just waiting for me to catch up.
And so now, I sit with this one big question:
Who do I need to BE to come from that place… no matter what?
What does it look like to BE that version of me—not when I’m inspired,
but when I’m tired?
Not when I’m winning, but when I’m wobbly?
Because it’s easy to write declarations. It’s harder to live them when you want to slip back into comfort.
And ultimately… I don’t want an “on and off” identity.
I want to Be Am the person who remembers who they are in the quiet.
In the slow. In the stretch.
Not for show. Not for performance.
But because it’s who I am.
Only. Always.
With Love,
Julian